The Weekly Raja

In this weeks column I’ve got a question from Lim Kok Dakut.

“Dear Raja,
 I happen to be in an elevator with a pot-bellied woman at this moment and I’m kind of confused, she says her “water-broke” but how can water break, I mean it can be separated but liquid is impossible to really break. Anyway, what does it mean when she says her “water-broke”? ”

Well first things first, I congratulate you on being a real modern man. Sure, she's got a pot belly, but you're a modern man, you look beyond the outer beauty to see the beauty inside. I’m sure you were thinking "Hey, I'm a modern man. I'm sure her belly is beautiful on the inside." 

Anyway, back to the question. While literally you can’t break water, you can separate it but when a woman says it, it becomes a totally different meaning Dakut, you see when a man and a woman love each other, the man will make the woman eat until she become pot-bellied and then after 9 months or so she will then release all the food in a compact form called a “baby”. When she is ready to release the baby she will break her “water” and then she will require aid in to help release it.

Now you have two options, you either be a modern man and help her OR be an octopus. If you choose to be a man than this is the steps I suggest you follow, pull out your communicator. If you don't have one, just pull your cellphone (make the communicatory sound when you flip it open. That's three clicks with your tongue) and randomly call anyone, “Mister, Spock, I’m, in, some, sort, of, space, vessel." Squint your eyes a bit, and pretend to listen to Spock's illuminating reply. "Spock! There's, a, woman, here.” Ignore the woman and just continue talking to the person on your communication device hoping that somehow they would know exactly where you were and that they would call the ambulance which you could have done but instead realized you forgot the number 999 "No,she's,giving,birth,to,some,sort,of,tiny,person.Get,Bones,to,transport,down,here,to help” then stand aside as Bones teleports into the elevator and delivers the baby.

Or if you happen to be an octopus follow these steps. One, be an octopus (This step is critical. If you find yourself unable to be an octopus do not attempt the octopus method.) Then you use your octopus arms to grab onto the pot-bellied woman and squeeze. You must stave off the birth until qualified, non-octopus help arrives.There you go, now that you know what is “water-breaking” and what to do when it happens you should be fine.
                                                                                                                                           
No octopi were harmed during the creation of this column, except one, but it died of natural causes. With the accidentally grilling itself with chili paste. Its death was both tragic and delicious, if a bit undercooked.